Connections

For some time now, I’ve felt like something is missing in my relationships, but I have been unable to point to it, until now. I watched an episode of Black Mirror titled “Hotel Reverie” recently, and it hasn’t left my mind since. The episode is (as most Black Mirror episodes are) quite dystopian. The plot consists of putting a present-day actor into a 1940s film with the use of AI. Drama ensues, and the episode becomes one of the most beautiful, haunting love stories I’ve ever seen. And it was that, which made me begin to reflect, the sentimentality and vulnerability in the gaze of one of the actors, truly observing it, sitting with it, and confronting it, made me realize that the thing that’s missing is intimacy, of any sort.

If someone nowadays asks how you are, will you be able to tell them how you truly feel? Or do you feel the need to lie? Do they mean it? Or are they asking out of politeness? I know most of the time these days, whenever people ask said question, it’s in the context of a transactional interaction or a more casual greeting.

Texting is now the main form of communication for most of us, and I have people whom I text daily, as I’m sure you do too, but have you ever stopped to question how connected you are to this person? I’m sure there are moments when you feel like that, but are you being vulnerable in your conversations with them? Or are they mostly about menial things? When was the last time you felt truly connected to this person? When was the last time you shared intimacy with them? Whether emotional, physical, creative, intellectual, etc? Can someone, truly, in the deepest sense, connect with someone through text? Does having occasional deep conversations with people through text equal a connection?

I have found myself with the urge to ask these questions more and more, because most conversations leave me with this empty feeling. Sometimes I can see a person who wants or has something they would like to share, but they don’t. When did it become so normalized to get uncomfortable when someone has a vulnerable moment? I will not pretend I’m exempt from this because I truly am not, disappointedly so, there have been many times I’ve wanted to share something, to be emotionally intimate with someone but decide against it or when I’ve wanted to support someone by giving them physical affection and being disappointed in myself because I didn’t and it’s so damn exhausting. 

Modern times are hard, technology is making communication easier, and yet we’ve never been lonelier. This isn't just something I feel, but a real statistic. There is a loneliness epidemic worldwide, which I fear is going unaddressed. Generationally speaking, I’m sure this is different for people who are older than Gen Z but I’ve come to notice that irony is now the rule, its most likely a defense mechanism but at the same time, it is something which serves to keep emotional vulnerability away and I’m afraid there’s only so much of that you can keep at bay until it becomes unhealthy. 

The way we are being conditioned as individuals has ruined us; everyone is trapped in their own little bubble, which they are oblivious to even having created, and the community aspect and meaningful relationships are dwindling. There’s an innate lack of tenderness in this world; most of us are giving in to despair and resorting to cynicism and irony as a defense mechanism and isolating ourselves in the process, stuck in the never-ending menial routine that survival requires. 

My only hope by writing this is that you realize, as I have, that life is supposed to be nice; you don’t have to be happy all the time, none of us can be, but by opening up and being more vulnerable with each other, you can break the cycle. Lean into romance, in your friendships, in your relationship with yourself, in the quiet moments, in the loud moments, laugh, cry, don’t let fear win, don’t let cynicism win, be romantic, be tender, and live. 

I leave you with this poem by Mary Oliver titled “Wild Geese”

You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees

for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body

love what it loves. 

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on.

Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain 

are moving across the landscapes, 

over the prairies and the deep trees, 

the mountains and the rivers. 

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,

are heading home again. 

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,

the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting—

over and over announcing your place

in the family of things.

Happy Earth Day…

With love, Carmen.